Recordings
20120803-rt_gator_redhead.3gp - Gator and RT discuss a former redheaded lover and Saddam Hussein.
20120820-space_talk.wma - Dead Head talks about space, science fiction, and Taco Bell.
20120830-superior.mp3 - Some CBer claims that he is superior because he has a radio. Also, more talk about Gator turning his prior girlfriends gay.
20120911-blonde_moment_drama.mp3 - The infamous 9/11/12 fight between Blonde Moment and R.T.
11m friendly shops in Denver metro (no affiliation to this website)
Summit Radio - Chuck
7155 E 53RD PL
COMMERCE CITY CO 80022-4828
(303) 287-3306
Simply the best (and now only?) CB shop in the Denver metro area, with fair prices and decades of professional experience.
Directions: I-70 exit 278, North on Quebec St. Pass the TA, left on 53rd, look for the dipole Antron antennas 100 yards down on your right.
CB Shop and More
This place has moved around the area a few times may or may not still be around
(970) 663-7617
Specializes in motorcycle CB installations.
Radio Service Center
Shop is permanently closed as of Jan 2019.
918 South Sheridan Boulevard
Local Denver CB Handles - Channel 19 & 22:
Big B - Big B is a husky woman and Blonde Moment's best friend. She has a weak mobile signal on the West side. What does the B stand for? Just use your imagination.
Big Red - Big Red can be heard on the North side, amusing himself by stumbling and mumbling his way through drunken weekend nights. His station is somewhere around I-25 and 120th.
Blonde Moment - Blonde Moment has not been on the air much in the last decade. Some time around July, 2012, Blonde Moment cut 121's coax but then inexplicably became allies with him within only a week or so later. She has a fairly weak signal and isn't on the CB too much these days. However, when she is, there are fireworks!
Bone Head - "951" - Bone Head is on often and has some pretty funny things to say. He used to frame houses for a living. His signal is fairly strong from a hill on the West side of town, near Storm Bringer. He has a distinct voice that is easy to recognize, and a signature laugh. He gets along with most everyone. Bone Head has a stronger base setup in his house and a weaker base setup in his garage.
Burrito Man - A former truck driver, Burrito Man can be heard peddling his wares during the morning rush hour on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Burrito Man is well-respected in Denver CB land. Burrito man has a solid signal for a mobile, but Torque Wrench sometimes relays a message for him if he can't quite make the trip. Burrito Man has been selling $4 breakfast burritos that are "about as big as a can of beer" as he puts it. He has been selling burritos since some time in 2008. Nobody on Earth knows the confusing, tangled back roads around I-70 & I-270 better than Burrito Man. Not only can he can skillfully maneuver them with utmost prowess, he gladly directs others to their destinations as well. Burrito Man can usually be found in the area around the TA and Sapp Bros. Burrito Man used to drive a Jeep, but changed to a gold Saturn in 2012 for better gas mileage. This vehicle change is a common topic of morning conversation for Burrito Man. Burrito Man is not allowed on truck stop property at the TA or the Sapp Bros., but will drive a short way to meet you in order to close in on a burrito sale. 121 caught a bunch of flack once for harassing Burrito Man and interfering with his business, which was not cool. Burrito Man was the Denver CBer of the month for May, 2013.- Catch phrase: "Any drivers out there want any breakfast burritos this morning?"
Cliff Jumper - A friendly, optimistic man of the Lord, Cliff Jumper tends to get dragged into political or racial arguments when he gets on the air. People seem to be hostile to Cliff Jumper for no apparent reason, but he seems to let it roll off gracefully. Cliff Jumper operates a Realistic radio with an amplifier, and his signal sometimes interferes with TV signals in his neighborhood. - Catch phrase: "Aw, come on now..."
Dead Head - Dead Head watches a lot of TV, with an unhealthy predilection for Sci-Fi and science shows. He likes each of the Star Trek series except for "Enterprise", and sometimes you can even hear Star Trek in the background when he talks. Dead Head will offer his strong opinion on any subject matter you ask him about. He once said that anyone convicted of a crime should be executed, although after reading about that on this web site he said that comment was taken out of context, so we removed it. Since then, he has said that all third-time convicted arsonists should be launched into the sun, but this time we got a recording of it so here it stays. He does not like dogs, or cats for that matter. He has worked at Taco Bell, Burger King and McDonalds. He used to have a tower, but never got around to erecting it. You will often find Dead Head on channel 21 called "Dead Head's channel" to get away from the idiots on 19. - Catch phrase: "I saw on the science channel..." and "I sure as hell hope somebody recorded that"
Dragon - Dragon hails from the West side of Denver, near Colfax & Kipling. He is good with computers and is friends with Tiger. He seems to get along with everyone pretty well with the few usual exceptions.
Frost - "Frost Man" is from the West side Lakewood region. He has a fairly strong signal for a mobile in his maroon Subaru wagon.
Gator - Hailing from Westminister, Gator is back on the air after a brief hiatus after some storm damage to his base station. A butcher by trade, Gator knows how to hone and sharpen knives. He got the handle "Gator" when officials removed a 6 foot long pet alligator from his yard. Gator admits to having a long track record turning his girlfriends into lesbians. Whiskey is Gator's drink of choice. He has said that he is afraid that someone will creep over to his house and cut his coax line to his antenna, but reminds any would-be trespassers about his ferocious dog. As beastly as his dog is, does get along with cats. Other CBers sometimes get frustrated when Gator babbles on and on without regard to any existing conversations that he is interrupting. Gator often has a microphone feedback problem that he is apparently unaware of, which often makes him difficult to understand. Gator holds Mosh Pig in very high regard. - Catch phrase: "You have no idea..."
Gear Head - Gear Head is friends of Grey Wolf and Highway Star. He isn't on too often.
Grey Wolf - "5150" - Hailing from about 20 miles north of Denver, off of 120th, Grey Wolf is one of the most widely liked and respected Denver CBers. He likes classic rock from the 60s and 70s. His son prefers Elvis. Grey Wolf is extremely loyal to those of us lucky enough to call him a friend. You might hear him talking to DXers from time to time, using his call numbers 51-50. Grey Wolf is on more often in the mornings and doesn't stay up too late at night. He is not afraid to express his opinions and is friends with Torque Wrench.
Guitar Man - Guitar Man is also referred to as "G-Man", "Lady Gaga", or "Banjo Man". He does not get along with Kemo, 121, RT, or really anyone. He seems to have an explosive temper, doesn't get along with other CBers. He is rumored to live in his mom's basement. G-Man has been known to cut a coax line or two in his day, then run off wearing cut-off Daisy Dukes. His signal does not carry far, but he stinks up the West Side with this crappy signal.
Half Man Half Dog - This truck driver likes playing with the echo effect knob to distort his voice. Half Man Half Dog often has some hilarious things to say, for example the time that he said that they should make a reality TV show called "CB Slut Swap". He envisions a show similar to "Wife Swap" but would be about Gator trying to pawn off his lesbian girlfriends on RT.
Highway Star - Highway Star is friends of Grey Wolf and Mustang, and hails from the North side of town. Highway Star likes camping, and seems to be well-liked in CB land. You can hear a recording of him on YouTube at about 1:10 in this video.
Kemo - Kemo is a very nice guy and helps other people. The handle "Kemo" is short for "Kemosabe". He picked the handle to honor a friend who underwent chemotherapy. RT sometimes offers to list and sell some of Kemo's stuff on Ebay for him as a joint business venture. Kemo is difficult to reach by cell phone and has been plagued by health issues lately.
Lady Storm Bringer - Lady Bringer was the first Denver CBer to discover this web site when she was bored at work and Googled it. You'll often hear lonely truck drivers hitting on her, fruitlessly trying their hand at 11-meter romance. She's proud of her red-haired granddaughter and is a real sweetheart. She looks forward to meeting some of the other Denver CBers in person. What does "L.S.B." stand for? In Denver CB land it doesn't mean lower sideband, but "Lady Storm Bringer". She doesn't like yard work or cooking.
Little Feller - Little Feller is husky feller hailing from the Lakewood area, by Belmar. Bone Head gave him his handle, and he's usually on at night. He would like to meet up with some of the Denver CBers someday.
Mile High - Mile High drives a Suzuki Samurai. He scheduled fist fights with RT on at least two occasions. The first time, he just ended up showing RT his flashlight. Whatever that means. We have not heard Mile High on the radio in a while. We are not sure where he went, perhaps RT finally kicked his ass.
Mosh Pig - Mosh Pig is often referred to simply as "Pig". You do not want to mess this bad ass. Mosh Pig operates a base station on the west side, and loves the flashy Stryker radios. He is friends with Gator, Stalker, and Stone Age, and may despise 121 the most of anyone. You'll often find Mosh Pig on late at night or in the wee morning hours conducting his main hobby in life: threatening 121. He drives a black truck, but has been known to ride a bike to save on gas and get a little exercise. Mosh Pig once blew out the protection diode on his radio when he accidentally switched power supply polarity, then left his microphone on the hood of his truck and lost the microphone in the road when it slid off. Pig was bestowed the elite honors of being the first Denver CBer of the month award, in August, 2012 and also the first second-timer as of June, 2013.
Mountain Goat - "852" - Mountain Goat lives on the West side of Denver off of Colfax, and loves yapping it up in his rocking chair. You might hear him giving drivers help, busting their chops, or talking to skip land, depending on what kind of mood he's in. - Catch phrase: "tattooed, long haired, freaky people"
Mr. Clean - Mr. Clean has a distinct radio voice, with echo effect. Mr. Clean hails from the North side of town, and seems like a nice enough guy. He enjoys spending time with his kids
Mustang - "351" - Mustang is sometimes known affectionately as "Mustang Slowstang". Although Mustang races cars, he drives slowly on highways because he is nervous in traffic. He is a retired truck driver and friends of Grey Wolf. When Mustang keys up, you hear a distinctive cow bell sound. This is caused by two wires that get flicked and vibrate when the button is depressed. Mustang owns a 1978 Buick Regal that he drag races at Bandimere Speedway. He makes it clear that he does not race to win, he races to have fun. His base station is in a shed outside, used as refuge to escape the wife.
Neutron - Also known as "Mr. Diarrhea" - this CBer has a weak mobile signal which he uses simply to say "diarrhea" every now and then for no apparent reason. He is friends with RT. - Catch phrase: "diarrhea"
Oracle - Oracle loves football, beer, and tits, but not necessarily in that order. He is rarely on the CB but people seem to enjoy his conversation when he is.
Outhouse Shaker - This CBer hails from somewhere around the Lakewood and Green Mountain area. Confusing him with Shit Wagon will surely incur his wrath if he's been hitting the bottle - which he usualy is.
Puma - Puma was once on quite a bit, but he is more into amateur radio than CB these days. Maybe he thinks he's better than the rest of us.
Red Rooster - It is a little known fact that Red Rooster is not actually a rooster that is red. Red Rooster hails from the I-70 & Chambers area. He is generally nice to people, does not get dragged into the whiskey-soaked arguments, and seems to get along fine with most everyone.
Ricky - 121 - Also known as "Shark Bait" or "the peanut gallery of Denver's CB scene". Occupying the bottom of the Denver CB totem pole, 121 is generally the most reviled Denver CBer. 121 leads a frustrated quest to become the most powerful Denver CB signal in the daily 11-meter pissing contest. He says he has done roofing, plumbing, carpet work, and boat repair for a living. However, he does not seem to be doing much of anything productive lately. He says that he collects settlement checks from an auto accident he was in as a child. Some say that 121 is on welfare, but he denies that. 121's conversations often focus on his own self-reliance, freedom to do whatever he wants on the radio, and denying suggestions that he leave channel 19. His radio plays George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone" which he is happy to do over and over. 121 is so annoying to other people that several CBers regularly threaten grave bodily harm on 121, with threats mostly coming from Stone Age, Mosh Pig, and Stalker but others as well. He likes to say "they call me the one-twenty-one" as if people spontaneously started calling him a three-digit number through no choice of his own. Someone tore down and stole his antenna in 2013 and he has not since replaced it. - Catch phrase: "yeah"
R.T. - Radio Terminator - Most often known by the initials "R.T.", this CBer lives on the South side of town. RT is also a HAM, and repairs electronics for a living. He used to be on the air quite a bit and used a variety of equipment - pretty much whatever he had on his work bench at the time. RT is friends with most of the people on the air, but he has short-lived spats with a few of them from time to time. RT used to live near E Alameda Ave & S Holly St and had by far the loudest and farthest reaching signal in town. He has not been on the air in a while due to some health problems, but we hope for a speedy recovery and return to 11 meters. - Catch phrases: "...on that end", "yuck yuck" and "bad Gator".
Rubber Band Man - Commonly known by the initials "R.B.M.", this CBer is Half Man Half Dog's cousin. Rubber Band Man was the Denver CBer of the year for 2012 by unanimous viewer nomination, which consisted of one vote from Half Man Half Dog. RBM acquired a bigger radio some time in 2013 so we're pleased to hear him on more often.
Street Hawk - a.k.a. "Shit Hawk" - More commonly known by the initials "S.H.", this CBer lives East of down town a bit, off of Colfax. He is friends with most everyone in CB land. SH keeps cool in the summer with a swamp cooler, and has both a base station and a respectable mobile setup.
Shady Lady - The always polite and courteous Shady Lady hails from the Southeast of Denver. She is in a relationship with Swing Shift and is young at heart. Shady Lady almost always asks for a break before talking.
Shit Wagon - a.k.a. "Shit Pumper" - Shit Wagon swaps out port-o-potties for a living. This all causes some confusion between him and Outhouse Shaker, a different person with no known association. Shit Wagon runs a weak, mobile signal, usually somewhere around the Thornton area. He loves the Broncos, hates the Raiders, and has a notorously bad temper. He claims to have had a multi-year career in AAA baseball, including a brief stint with the Houston Astros in the 80s before an injury set him back. For what it's worth, certain details of his story does jive with what were able to verify from baseball-almanac.com, so perhaps his back story is true. When he is not driving the ol' shitwagon, he drives a wood-paneled station wagon jalopy with a 1/4 wave whip on the rear of his vehicle. He has a foul mouth and refers to the bulbous rear of his car as "the God damned ass." When he goes over bumps at a high speed, you will hear him say "the God damned ass bottomed out there" as sparks fly up. - Catch phrase: "the Shit Wagon is rolling"
Speed Racer - This new CBer is Mustang's grandson and is Mustang's head pit boss at the raceway. Speed Racer cools down Mustang's car, helps him with weather, and chose the handle "Speed Racer" in August, 2012.
Stalker - This North-sider has gone by a few different handles. He apparently never heard the CB rule that you don't change handles. Other handles have reportedly been "Colorado Asshole" and "The Ambassador". When asked what he is the ambassador of, he replied "the ambassador of ass". Stalker thinks the creator of denvercb.com "needs their f___ing ass beat." Stalker is friends of Stone Age and Mosh Pig. You can think of him as their lame sidekick.
Stone Age - Stone Age was out hunting mammoths and gathering nuts with his tribe when an 11-meter vortex swallowed him up and transported him to the modern day. He is now an air traffic controller by trade. Stone age gave up mammoth and sabertooth tiger flesh in favor of fast food. He is the Machiavellian, self-ascribed CB leader of the amorphous geographic region that he calls "the West Side" which he clings to with great loyalty like a cave man sticks to his own tribe. His paleolithic brain only responds to force, not reason. Assuming everyone else is wired the same way, this prehistoric troglodyte uses threats to attempt impose his will on others. For example, years ago Stone Age parked outside of another CBer's house that Stone Age did not get along with in an attempt to intimidate him. When the man drunkenly reacted to the perceived threat by firing a shotgun out through his own garage door at Stone Age, someone called the police, perhaps Stone Age himself. The man was arrested and is now doing hard time, while Stone Age has no discoverable criminal record. Stone Age voices his spite for the man over the air waves to this day. Given his tactic's prior success, you can occasionally hear Stone Age again stalking other CBers and even threatening their uninvolved family members. Get on this Cro-Magnon's bad side and he will stalk you and order one of his minions to cut your coax with an obsidian spear fashioned together with sinew. Right after he combs his mullet. - Catch phrase: "Shame on the mess.", obnoxious whistling and racial slurs.
Storm Bringer - He is "the bringer of storms" as he puts it. Since RT was knocked off his hill on Alameda, Storm Bringer has become the dominant 11-meter signal in the Denver Metro area. Broadcasting from his castle on Green Mountain, Storm Bringer and fair maiden Lady Storm Bringer are always happy to relay a message for the rest of us mud ducks. Storm Bringer does not stir up much CB drama, so perhaps his handle is not so fitting in that regard. He does not seem to get along too well with 121, but that's not uncommon so we will forgive him for it. He likes dream catchers and bow hunting. Storm Bringer has been spendnig more time on channel 22 lately.
Swing Shift - Swing Shift seems to be well received on the radio. He is in a relationship with Shady Lady.
Tiger - Tiger had a patent idea in the 90s to put a gyroscope-stabilized camera in a cue ball that people can gamble on from another room. He gave up on his idea when he could not attract investors. He is friends with Midnight Dragon.
Torque Wrench - A pillar of the Denver CB community, Torque Wrench is on the west side of I-25 on 104th and has been into CB since sometime around 1969. Torque Wrench served our country and now serves us on channel 19. He has a calm and polite demeanor, and operates some kind of machinery shop. His signal is one of the loudest in the metro area, and his carrier wave has been blaring for decades in Denver. Torque Wrench owns 9 rental properties, and seems to attend a lot of weddings. He sometimes tries to sell machinery over the CB. Examples include a 4000 watt generator, acetylene welding torch, and a crank-up antenna mast. He's threatened to hang up his mic permanently, but we would hate to see that. He is on early in the morning and throughout the day, but not on much during the witching hours. Torque Wrench was the well-deserved Denver CBer of the month for February, 2013, as well as the 2013 CB'er of the year. - Catch phrase: "yeah no doubt"
Tradewinds - A nice elderly man who is sometimes referred to as "T.W." He seems to get along with everyone. He seems to have a weak mobile signal and a very strong base setup in the Southglenn area on the South side of town. He has not been on too much lately, just every so often when he is feeling up for it.
Troublemaker - This South-sider is good with computers. His wife "Giggles" gets slightly annoyed by him being on his base station if he is too loud. He does a great impersonation of Gator, complete with feedback squeal. He is friends with RT.
Turtle - Turtle is a tattoo artist near the TA on I-70 & I-270. The Burrito man of the tattoo world, Turtle sometimes solicits business on channel 19. Catch phrase: "Anybody need a tattoo today c'mon..." then after a break "Anybody need to fix a tattoo c'mon."
Welder - Welder hails from the Conifer region. For fun, Welder does bracket racing with Mustang. He wants the cable networks to do a show about him and Mustang called "Bracket Trash". He returned to the air waves recently after a prolonged absence. Welder is also friends with Torque Wrench, Gator, and just about all the other Denver CB regulars. Powered by an 800 watt tube linear amplifier, Welder's base station has a slight hum sound in the background due to old tubes that he thinks are really due to be replaced. It does seem to get the job done though; he has a loud and powerful signal with wide coverage over the metro area.
Wingman - Wingman jumped on to the Denver CB scene sometime around February, 2013. Other CBers are sometimes confused about whether his handle is "Weed Man" or "Wing Nut". It's "Wingman" people, get it right!
Wolf Man - Despite his rough sounding handle, Wolf Man is a dignified man with a highly refined and sophisticated sense of humor that is often over the heads of other CBers. He has a masters degree and will often out-maneuver other CB'ers in arguments. He is slightly East of down town Denver.
Rules on channel 19:
There are no rules on channel 19
No changing your handle
Use one of the other 39 channels to test your radio
If you don't like what someone is saying, turn the radio off
Leave uninvolved family members out of CB quarrels
Denver CB Radio Fan Fiction
"Ricky's Great Adventure"
It was a hot Friday night in Denver CB land, the kind of night where every trailer park window unit was wheezing, every liquor store trash can had a fresh pint bottle in it, and channel 19 sounded like a drunk trapped in a metal shed fighting a police scanner.
The whiskey had been flowing since sundown.
Gator was already three stories deep into a sentence that began with knife sharpening, detoured through lesbians, and somehow ended with a warning that anybody who came near his coax would meet both his dog and the business end of something rusty. Bone Head was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. Dead Head was in the background yelling at his television because Star Trek had violated a scientific principle he once saw explained by a man in a lab coat. Cliff Jumper tried to calm everyone down, which only made the drunks angrier.
“Aw, come on now,” Cliff Jumper said.
“Don’t you aw-come-on-now me,” Gator slurred. “You have no idea.”
Then the carrier dropped.
“Yeeeah, break break, they call me the one-twenty-one.”
A long silence followed, the kind of silence a bar gets when a man walks in wearing pajama pants and carrying jumper cables.
Ricky was on the air.
He had apparently spent the afternoon drinking discount whiskey, listening to George Thorogood, and convincing himself that a mobile radio, a fishing pole, and a handful of stolen-looking coax had transformed him into the undisputed king of 11 meters.
“Just letting you mud ducks know,” Ricky said, “I’m back. Stronger than ever. Self-reliant. Free. Ain’t nobody gonna tell the one-twenty-one when to talk, where to talk, or how loud to talk.”
RT keyed up from the South side.
“Ricky, on that end, you sound like you wired a toaster to a screen door.”
“Yuck yuck,” somebody said.
Ricky ignored him.
“I got power now. Real power. I’m gonna walk the dog all over Denver tonight.”
Stone Age came crashing onto the channel with a signal so ugly it probably peeled the paint off a Buick in Lakewood.
“Shame on the mess,” Stone Age said, followed by that obnoxious whistle of his. “Shark Bait been hitting the brown bottle again and now he thinks he’s got a war club.”
“I ain’t scared of you, Stone Age,” Ricky said. “You ain’t the boss of the West Side. You ain’t the boss of nothing.”
That was a mistake.
Stone Age’s paleolithic brain does not process disagreement well. It processes disagreement as a territorial invasion requiring intimidation, stalking, and possibly a minion with wire cutters.
“Boy, I’ll come over there and fold that antenna around your neck like a damn dream catcher,” Stone Age growled.
Mosh Pig broke in immediately, sounding half asleep, fully drunk, and delighted to have a reason to threaten Ricky.
“I’ll ride my bike over there right now and stomp that radio flat. Don’t think I won’t, 121.”
Stalker piled on, because that is what Stalker does.
“You need your ass beat, Shark Bait. I been saying that.”
RT sighed.
“On that end, nobody is beating anybody. Everybody put the whiskey down and stop threatening electrical equipment.”
Nobody put the whiskey down.
Ricky, emboldened by being outnumbered and wrong, turned up “Bad to the Bone” and let it blast through the radio until it distorted into a greasy little swamp of guitar noise.
“Yeeeah,” Ricky said. “That’s my theme music.”
“Your theme music ought to be a tow truck backing up,” RT said.
This proved prophetic.
Ricky announced that he was going mobile to prove his signal. His vehicle, a battered heap with three bad tires and a dashboard that looked like it had survived a divorce, coughed to life. The antenna was lashed to the back with electrical tape, bungee cord, and the confidence of a man whose blood had become 40% whiskey and 60% grievance.
He rolled west, transmitting the whole time.
“Yeeeah, this is the one-twenty-one, mobile and dangerous.”
“You’re about as dangerous as a wet cigarette,” Mosh Pig said.
“I’ll show you dangerous.”
“You couldn’t show me a valid driver’s license,” Stone Age said.
Then came a scraping sound, a metallic twang, and Ricky yelling, “Son of a—”
His antenna had caught the edge of a gas station awning on Sheridan and snapped backward so hard it slapped the roof of his car like an angry nun.
The microphone stayed keyed.
For eleven beautiful seconds, all of Denver heard Ricky fighting his own seat belt, knocking over a cup, and screaming that somebody had sabotaged him.
Channel 19 exploded.
Bone Head’s laugh turned into a respiratory event. Gator tried to threaten the gas station on Ricky’s behalf but got distracted and started threatening a completely different gas station from 1997. Dead Head said he sure as hell hoped somebody recorded that. Cliff Jumper said “aw, come on now” again and was immediately told to shut up by three separate drunks.
Stone Age was jubilant.
“The West Side has defeated Shark Bait with architecture,” he declared.
Ricky was not done. Ricky is never done. Ricky’s gift is that no amount of humiliation can penetrate the thick, greasy armor of his self-regard.
He bought more electrical tape, a hot dog, and one of those tiny bottles of whiskey that lives behind the counter and tastes like a dare. Then he stood under the buzzing gas station lights, rewrapping his antenna while muttering darkly about enemies, freedom, and how people were jealous because they did not understand “the one-twenty-one lifestyle.”
RT tried to help, despite himself.
“Ricky, on that end, do not tape the coax to anything hot.”
“It ain’t hot.”
“That is the exhaust manifold.”
“It’s warm.”
“It is an exhaust manifold.”
“You always gotta criticize.”
“I am trying to keep you from becoming a small electrical obituary.”
By then Gator was threatening to come down there with a knife sharpener, Mosh Pig was threatening to come down there on a bicycle, and Stone Age was threatening to send Stalker, which was less a threat than an admission that he did not want to waste gas.
Ricky took this as proof that everyone feared him.
“You all scared,” he said. “That’s what this is. You’re scared because I’m about to take over the band.”
“Ricky,” RT said, “your signal is currently being relayed by a Doritos bag.”
“Still louder than you.”
That was when Ricky attempted his great march on the West Side.
He made it four miles.
Somewhere near a closed carpet store in Lakewood, the car began knocking like somebody trapped under the hood wanted out. The radio whined. The lights dimmed. “Bad to the Bone” slowed into a haunted drunk version of itself. Then everything died.
Ricky coasted to the curb in darkness.
For once, channel 19 waited.
Then came Ricky, barely making the trip.
“Somebody cut my alternator.”
The channel went quiet again, because even the drunks needed a moment.
RT finally keyed up.
“Ricky, nobody cut your alternator.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know that.”
“You weren’t here.”
“I do not have to stand next to a dead raccoon to know it was hit by a car.”
Stone Age pounced.
“Shark Bait’s war wagon is dead in the hunting ground. Shame on the mess.”
Mosh Pig added, “Leave it there and I’ll part it out before breakfast.”
Stalker said, “I’ll come over there and drag you out by your headset.”
Ricky, sitting in a dead car with a bent fishing pole antenna and whiskey breath hot enough to clean paint brushes, took the only path available to him.
He threatened everybody back.
“You come near me, I’ll call the law. Then I’ll sue. Then I’ll get a bigger radio. Then you’ll all be sorry.”
This was Ricky’s full combat doctrine: police, lawsuits, imaginary equipment, revenge.
Eventually Torque Wrench, because he is a better man than the rest of them, relayed a tow number. Cliff Jumper prayed for everybody’s safety. Gator warned the tow truck not to come near his house, even though nobody had mentioned his house. Dead Head said third-time alternator offenders should be launched into the sun.
By 2:30 in the morning, Ricky was back home, defeated by basic mechanics but spiritually undefeated. He keyed up on a weak handheld that sounded like it was transmitting through a sock.
“Yeeeah, this is the one-twenty-one. Just so everybody knows, tonight was a test. I learned who my enemies are.”
RT answered immediately.
“Ricky, on that end, your enemy is wiring.”
Stone Age whistled.
Mosh Pig threatened him one more time for good measure.
Gator forgot what they were talking about and started explaining whiskey.
Bone Head laughed.
And across the hot Denver night, through the static, threats, unpaid tabs, blown alternators, bad coax, worse breath, and the eternal 11-meter pissing contest, channel 19 returned to normal.
Which is to say it sounded like a drunk fistfight in a Radio Shack dumpster.
CBers of the year award:
2025 - Half Man Half Dog
2024 - Half Man Half Dog
2015 - 2023 - nobody was worthy
2014 - Storm Bringer
2013 - Torque Wrench
2012 - Rubber Band Man
If you would like to nominate anyone for CBer of the year, please send an email to...
Disclaimer
The paparazzi of the Denver CB scene, denvercb.com simply gathers its information from live broadcasts over public air waves. Although denvercb.com strives for accuracy, the CB radio is not at all meant to be an accurate source for information. The webmaster simply do not have the time or resources to validate anything that these buffooons broadcast. With that in mind, please treat the content on this web site purely as a work of fiction.